If the sun is shining and there is work to be done in the office, chances are you'll find Jamie and Terry out on the golf course.

In a never-ending battle for mediocre golf supremacy, the two duffers are constantly on the look out for obscure rules and radical swing cures that will give one an advantage over the other. Here are some samples of the bits of wisdom that they have collected over the years.

"Golf and sex
are about the only things
you can enjoy without
being good at"

Jamie Cameron

Remarriage

A man's wife pulled him aside one day and asked, "Honey if I died would you remarry?"

After some thought he replied, "Well, I'm still pretty young, and we all need companionship, so after a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would."

She then asked, "If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?"

He gave it some more thought and replied, "We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house, I guess she would."

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?"

"That bed is brand new, we just paid two thousand dollars for it, it's going to last a long time, I guess she would."

"If I died and you remarried,and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"

"Oh no, she's left handed."

A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his pants pockets.

On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him, so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her. He noticed after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit embarrassed, he said to the lady, "It's all right ma'am, they're just golf balls."

She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said, "Tell me - is that something like tennis elbow?"

Terry and Jamie were golfing one fine day, when Terry, an avid golfer, slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. Terry takes his 8 iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine, in search of his lost ball. The brush is quite thick, but Terry searches diligently for his errant ball. Suddenly Terry spots something shiny. As he nears the location of the shiny object, Terry realizes that it is an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton laying near an old golf ball. His heart pounding, Terry excitedly calls for his partner Jamie. "Hey Jamie, come here, I got trouble down here." Jamie comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out to him, "What's the matter Terry?" Terry shouts back in a nervous voice, "Bring me my 7 iron. You can't get out of here with an 8."

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

At the beginning of each golf season, each manufacturer rolls out a new line of golf balls, each promising to be longer, with more spin and accuracy than ever before. How can you tell which ball is for you, and more importantly, what do you do with all those new balls from last year?

Well first of all, don't worry an awful lot about your balls losing their zip. Most manufacturer reps will confirm that golf balls have a shelf live far beyond two years before they start to drop in performance. Chances are, you won't see any difference for a quite a period beyond that, so don't hesitate picking up a ball that is a few years old - as long as it isn't warped with huge gashes!

Next up is compression. Many people are under the impression that a higher compression ball will fly farther than a lower compression ball (100 vs 90, for example). According to Frank Thomas, the technical director of the USGA, there was once a time when there was indeed a correlation between compression and initial velocity - but that really only applied to wound balls. These days, that is no longer the case. The key factor regarding choice by compression is now one of feel. Lower compression balls offer a softer feel, which appeals to most peoples' sense of control. Still - others feel the need to squeeze that extra 6 inches out of a drive, and are reluctant to use lower compression balls - right Terry?

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

When Caddies Go Bad

While looking for an errant drive among the trees to the right of the seventh hole at Miami Shores Country Club, a golfer heard a voice from above indicating the position of his ball. It was not divine intervention, but Dennis Jesper, a fugitive fleeing police after robbing a local bank. Police found Jesper in the tree and arrested him.

Source: Golf Digest January 1998.

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

The young guys today play golf, go to their hotel, and have an ice tea. It's a horrible way to live, but my hat's off to 'em. The fact that I've seen guys stone cold drunk beat guys stone cold sober tells you what kind of game golf is."

Fuzzy Zoeller

Unforgettable

He went out the only way. It was almost a year ago that Michael Williams, a respected British golf writer for the Daily Telegraph, collapsed and died of a heart attack while playing golf. It happened at his home club, Chelmsford, in Essex, England.

Only a month later, his wife, Judy, was playing in the ladies competition at the club. She came to the fourth hole, the very place where her husband had died. Who knows what thoughts would be swirling here? She had never been able to hit the green on this 104 yard par 3. So she chose a longer club, a 6-iron, and fired away.

In a kind silence, she walked to the green - "It just seemed a very private thing," she said - having just recorded an ace. Assist, Michael.

Source: Golf Digest March 1998.

I am not without pain, but it is now bearable. It is like if I smash you in the face four times a day, you do not like it very much. But if I smash you only once a day, then you say, 'Hey, this feels good.'"

Jose Maria Olazabal, recovering from a foot injury.

Terry's Hero

Woody Austin's frustration after missing 9 of 10 cuts reached a breaking point after missing a putt at the MCI Classic last year. He hit himself over the head with his putter five times, bending the shaft. Austin later revealed that he had played the previous three months with the wrong eyeglass prescription.

A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and turns out also to be a very talented golfer, In fact, she wins their little competition on the last hole.

He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning.

On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation.

The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.

This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.

Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason. "You see," she tearfully sobs,"I'm a transvestite."

He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she repeats.

"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the ladies' tees all week!!"

Jamie had the occasion to golf a very prestigous course that required caddies. After he teed off on Number 10, he turned and asked the caddy:

"Son, how do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's all right, sir, I guess. But I still like golf better."

Shamus admitted to having sworn once in his life, so God asked for an explanation before allowing him into heaven (supply your own deity and afterlife depending on the religions of those telling and listening to the joke).

Shamus: As you probably know God, I was an avid golfer. One day, on the par 4, 13th hole, I hit the drive of my life -- 300 yds, right down the middle. Then, suddenly, at the last moment, the ball hit a sprinkler head and veered into the woods.

God: So, that's when you swore?

Shamus: No, I went down, found my ball and then hit the most unbelievable trick shot -- under a tree limb, over a bush, skipped it across the water and right on to the green. But, the ball then hit the pin and careened into the trap behind the green.

God: So you swore then, right?

Shamus: No. I got into the trap, hit the most incredible explosion shot of my life and the ball rolled right into the cup -- but, somehow, the ball spun completely around the lip and stopped on the other side without going in.

God: You must have sworn then, right? Even I probably would have.

Shamus: No, I managed to to keep it inside and prepared to tap in for par.

God: Holy *%@#!!*! - Don't tell me you missed the !@#*!!ing putt!?!

Summerheights Golf Links, Cornwall (36 Holes), (613) 938-8009
Cornwall Golf and C.C., Cornwall (Semi-Private-18 Holes), (613) 931-1122
Archie’s Golf Range, Cornwall (Par 3 Nine Holes, Driving Range) (613) 932-8255
Cedar Glen Golf Club, Williamsburg (9 Holes), (613) 535-2323
Glengarry Golf and C.C, Alexandria (18 holes), (613) 525-2912
Heritage Golf Club, Lancaster (18 Holes), (613) 347-3738
Iroquois Golf Club, Iroquois (18 Holes), (613) 652-4367
Morrisburg Golf Club, Morrisburg (18 Holes) (613) 543-3282
Upper Canada Golf Course, Morrisburg (18 Holes) (613) 543-2003

• Keep your head down.
• Turn the ball so the letters are facing you. Concentrate on the letters as you swing. (Keep your head down.)
• Form a V with your hands, arms and shoulders, transfer weight to the rear foot, keep you swing plane parallel to your line of attack, watch out for flying elbows, swing your hips through the ball.... aw heck, just keep your head down.

A Time Honoured Tip for Women:

"Do not let your husband teach you.
Your golf game
won't get any better
and neither will your marriage."

Peter Gault

Jamie Cameron

Sometimes a provisional ball is more trouble than it's worth. Just ask Stephen Keegan. He was saddled with problems during the second round of the Massachusetts Amateur tournament at Myopia Hunt Club. According to the Boston Herald, Keegen's drive on the 253-yard third hole disappeared into the woods. So he hit a provisional which, to his dismay, hooked into a nearby paddock. "When I couldn't find the first ball, I had to play the one in the barn area," Keegan told Herald golf writer Joe Gordon. Massachusetts Golf Association official Tom Landry told Keegan the only place he could get relief was worse than where he was. When Keegan walked into the paddock, he noticed that a nearby horse was eyeing him suspiciously. The golfer had almost reached his ball when the horse charged him. Keegan quickly retreated. After a minute, he walked back toward his ball. But the steed wasn't horsing around and charged Keegan again, nearly biting the golfer in the rear. While Keegan made a mad dash to safety, Landry found a cowhand and asked for his help. The cowhand held the horse long enough for Keegan to hit his shot. Unfortunately, the golfer was still too rattled by his equine experience. He lofted his ball into a greenside bunker and finished the hole with a triple-bogey.

Bad Golfer's Association

"A sure cure for the slicer is to pretend you are on a baseball field at home plate. Take your stance to aim your body slightly to the right of second base, but aim your clubface straight at the base. Then hit the ball over the short stop. Use a 7-iron at first, then a 3-wood."

Bob Hope

"Once I've settled into my address position, I make no conscious swing adjustments. And I make the same swing for every club in the bag. Whereas many players advocate using a progressively shorther and less forceful swing as the length of the club decreases, I swing back to a parallel position whether the club in my hand is a driver, 3-wood, a 3-iron, a 7-iron or a wedge (except for pitches and chips). As the club shortens, your clubhead arc automatically decreases, so there's no need to throttle back on your tempo. Besides, by keeping your swing length consistent you have the confidence that the length of your shots can be controlled solely through your club selection".

Are the following instances legal?

1. Jamie asks Terry what club he just hit.
2. Just before putting on the green Terry uses his putter to flatten a few spike marks that are on his line.
3. Jamie is closer to the hole than Terry (in his dreams), but hits first.
4. Terry has hit the ball into the sand trap (as usual), and uses his club to check out the condition of the sand.
5. Terry swings at the ball, tops it, then hits it again while it is still in the air (with his eyes closed).
6. Jamie's ball is in the fairway (a rare occasion) and a loose twig is touching the ball. When he removes the twig, the ball moves.
7. Jamie hits his ball into the rough (that's more like it), but he can't tell if it's his, due to the long grass. He moves the ball slightly so he can identify it.
8. Jamie duffs his 7 iron and the ball accidently hits his golf cart.
9. Terry leaves a 6 foot putt overhanging the edge of the cup (Alice!). He waits and after two minutes the ball finally falls into the cup.

1. Illegal - two stroke penalty. If Terry answers, he also gets a two stroke penalty.
2. Illegal - two stroke penalty.
3. No penalty. Ball is played where it lies
4. Illegal - two stroke penalty.
5. Illegal - one stroke penalty.
6. Illegal - one stroke penalty.
7. Legal, as long as he marks the ball and tells Terry. If he doesn't mark the ball, one stroke.
8. Illegal - two stroke penalty. Jamie says it's ok to ???? off the opponent's cart.
9. Illegal - two stroke penalty.

J.C. Snead

• In a sand trap? Use a putter! (Jamie Cameron)
• Short par 4? Don't play safe... grip it and rip it! (Terry Landon)
• If you can't hit a driver safe 100% of the time, use a 3 wood off the tee (Bob Peters)
• When your car is broken, you take it to a mechanic. When you are sick, you see a doctor. When your golf game needs help, go see a pro. (Ron Robinson)
• Get to know the shot dispersion of your various clubs. Then choose the club that has best chance of placing the ball in your target zone.
• Think one shot ahead. If it doesn't go in, where do you want the ball to finish?
• If you aren't sure whether to chip or putt, go with the putter.
• When playing safe, play safe. Nothing is worse than hitting a layup shot into the water.
• Don't be tempted to swing harder into the wind.
• You don't have to hit 'perfect' shots. Just improve the quality of your misses.

#9 - Cornwall G&CC (573 yd Par 5): Out of bounds on the right, century old oak trees on the left. A creek 100 yds in front of the green snags balls on long second shots, a tricky two level green is guarded by two sand traps. The only nice thing about this hole is the canteen and cold drinks are only 30 yards from the green.

#3 South - Summerheights (370 yd Par 4): Not a long hole, but the landing area is extremely tight. The smart play is a five iron off the tee, then an 8 iron to a sharply pitched green. Use a driver off the tee and you are likely looking at double bogey.

# 8 North - Summerheights (390 yd Par 4): Water comes into play three times on this challenging hole. You need to carry 200 yards to clear a creek running across the fairway. There is then water all along the right, and another creek 50 yards short of the hole. If you do not have a good long tee shot, you are looking at bogey or worse.

1. Replace your divots. It takes only seconds, yet left unfixed, a divot can take up to three weeks to heal.
2. Replace your ball marks on the green. (Of course, you have to hit the green to leave a mark)
3. Do not slow down play. Be ready to hit. And don't spend more than 4 minutes looking for a ball that probably cost you $1.50.

Do you hit a big ball? Laugh when others whine about the long par 5's? Then polish off Big Bertha and enter the Elfego Baca golf tournament in New Mexico. The annual tournament only consists of one hole - but it's not your typical hole. The tee is placed on the top of Socorro Peak, 7,243 feet above sea level. The hole, which is actually a patch of dirt 60 feet in diameter, is two and a half miles away and 2,500 feet below. The course record is an "unbeatable" 11, held by Mike Stanley, who has won the tournament ten times since 1981. For more information, write to Elfego Baca Shoot, Jean A. Stanley, P.O.Box Z, Socorro, NM, 87801.

Duffers may be over par
Their form's not up to snuff
Their swings send divots flying
They're often in the rough

Duffers give the game their all
And when the day is done,
They go to "Duffer's Dreamland"
And shoot their hole-in-one!

A plan to develop a golf course in Humble, Texas that would re-create some of the world's finest golf holes in one 18 hole course has run into a legal snag. The developer is being sued on the basis that replicating famous golf holes on courses such as Pebble Beach, Pinehurst and Harbour Town is an infringement of the rights of the course owners and architects. The suit apparently also sites unfair competition, and the misappropriation of the goodwill that have cost course owners a lot of money to develop. One has to wonder though, if all of the elements that make a hole famous can be successfully recreated. For example, can you import the pounding surf of Pebble Beach to the heart of Texas? Or, for that matter, the caustic sarcasm of St. Andrews' caddies?

Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated. It satisfies the soul and frustrates the intellect. It is at the same time rewarding and maddening - it is without a doubt the greatest game mankind has ever invented.

Arnold Palmer

Head down, feet apart, left arm straight, shoulders square, knees bent, eyes on the ball, check wind, break wind, review alignment of planets, check the grassy knoll, visualize your shot, bring the club back slowly, methodically, ruthlessly, pathologically, move your shoulders together in a manner only seen in cartoons, alter your DNA, bring the club forward maximizing your power, using your knees, hips, shoulders, clavicle, libido, spleen and your uvula in an easy flowing natural motion; while concentrating on virtually every portion of your body at the same time bring the club down to the ball, hitting it precisely dead centre, remembering that as much as a billionth of an inch either way will send the ball careening towards other unsuspecting, heavily concentrating golfers; follow through; check your blood pressure, check your insulin; look cool, take golf slacks seriously; face your shot; face the music; review your commitment to the game.

My Morning Coffee Cup - Paper Greetings

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